Friday, 29 April 2011

Confessions of Caty the Compulsive Liar

Here we go - the truth… I think..

So I’ve just finished the second pre-season challenge.  As I type this there are tears steaming down my face.  There were so, so many things I thought of that I always use to talk myself out of being healthy.  And it took such a long time to figure out what I can do to combat these thoughts.

Mish hit the nail on the head when she said “you’ve been saying them for so long you literally believe them” - hello, thirteen years of lying to everyone I know. 

It hasn’t hit me yet that I can’t hide behind the excuses any more.  I’m terrified that I’m going to try, and fail - but I’m not going to let that stop me.  I don’t want to tell my family that I’m doing the 12WBT because I’m so scared of how much I’ll disappoint them if I don’t succeed.  I know they will absolutely support me, and that these are just excuses popping up again.

...How do you undo 13 years of negative thinking and excuse making?  I honestly don’t know.  I’m so used to lying to everyone, including myself that I’m not sure how to go about being gut-wrenchingly honest.  I guess, to a point, I can never believe anything I’m saying - even as I type I’m only 60% believeing the very words I’m typing. 

I’ve never bought “skinny clothes” because I don’t get that ‘rewarding’ feeling when you’re getting smaller and closer to the goal - i just feel awful that I’m still too fat to fit into them. 

My best friend has lost over 25 kg since the beginning of the year - he’s always been so much bigger than my and now he’s smaller and he looks amazing.  He used the gym to get over a broken heart - but I don’t have anything like that to give me a reason to pour myself into my health…

Even though I’ve already submitted my task, I’m coming up with more excuses just by typing what’s going on in my head -what sort of excuse is “my best friend is hotter than me, I don’t want to bother” or “I don’t have a broken heart - I can’t do what he did”.. It’s just not okay for me to keep thinking like this

-Caty x

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