Wednesday, 22 June 2011

One Month On...

So it turns out that I'm terrible at sticking to my word... When it comes to myself at least...  I was doing so well in the first two weeks.  Eating excellently and working out a lot.  And the results were showing it.  I lost 7.5 kg in two weeks - AMAZING!!! Then disaster struck. 

And here are the excuses:
I started socialising you see... feeling confident in my already slimming body.  I went out for sushi.  Not once, not twice.. but FOUR times in a week.  FOUR! I ate really well other than that and was still losing weight - though not as much. 

THEN - excuses piled up.  I got the flu, and didn't get out of bed for three days, and couldn't walk 20m without dissolving into a coughing fit.  So I gave up the gym in order to make myself better (the last time I had a persistant cough it stuck around for 10 months so I really wanted to shake it quickly). 

Unfortunately, a month later, and I still haven't been to the gym.  I haven't weighed in for the last two weeks - I'm almost positive I'm back over 100kg and I don't want to know. 

My eating went to shit... I started just eating whatever.  Hot chips, lollies, chocolate.. you name it.  I felt completely  out of control... but I didn't care. At all.  Even tonight; I had pasta and creamy sauce for dinner.. half a caramello koala... I've all but stopped eating breakfast.. Goodbye, kick started metabolism...

My heartrate monitor arrived in the mail over three weeks ago... I still haven't taken it out of the box.  How awful!! 

I got my 12wbt shirts in the mail yesterday - all the Sydney Ladies (and Men!) got together and organised shirts so we'd regocnise each other etc.  I ordered two - a size 18 for now, and a size 14 for when I'm smaller.  I was so disappointed to find out that the 18 was tight.  And buying a shirt for Guides today - that I had to get a size 20.  The Guides do have small shirt sizes though, but even so - what a confidence killer.  Can't wait to put on that size 12.

I guess, for now, I'm back where I started.  Unfit, obese, in a terrible mindset.  I haven't been able to listen/join in to Michelle's live chats because I have prior commitments on a Wednesday... But I've failed to listen to them later... I haven't watched a weekly video since week three... Haven't even looked  at my meal plan in almost a month.  What the hell am I doing?

I've paid so much money for this course - with things like the heart rate monitor and shirts included, upwards of $500... It's just ridiculous.  And I'm sitting on my ass not doing anything.  I'm so disappointed in myself.

Even as I say that, I can only partially say I'm disappointed.  I am, no doubt, ashamed and angry at myself for giving up so early.  I should have stuck with it.  However, I'm determined to get my life back on track - my work seems to be (finally) settling down, even though that's still going to get worse before it gets better.... But my personal life is on the mend too. 

Enough excuses.  I know I'm weeks behind, but I'm still going to do this.  I've made myself so accountable for this - everyone at work is behind me, people all through my life are supporitng me... Telling me I look great-  even when I know I don't.

I feel like I owe Vanessa - my personal trainer - a huge apology.  I've cancelled on her after being called into work, then cancelled on her again with the flu... Then I just stopped going to the gym.  I need to get back on the wagon.  I need to do it now.  Well - tomorrow.  Tomorrow's going to be one hell of a day, and I'm looking forward to after work when I can settle back into routine, and sweat it out at the gym. 

I'm not excited for work tomorrow - It's going to be stressful and emotionally draining.  But no better way to forget all about it than to flog myself at the gym.  Let's just hope I can walk on Friday!

Oh - also!!  I can FINALLY get back into my Zumba - I've changed Guide Units, so I now meet on a Wednesday, not a Monday.  Meaning no more clashes!! yay for weekly Zumba!!

I hope my posts can be more positive from now on - I feel bad always just whinging and bitching..  But - back on the wagon! Back on track! No more looking back! I CAN do this! No - I WILL  this!!

-Caty x